Down

Down

Let me down

Down the drain

What remains

In my veins

Flows in vain

Makes me unsound 

Forgotten again 

Can’t I understand 

How useless is this fight

Nothing left I might

Do to feel better

Nothing matters

Io e loro tre

Sono quattro giorni che sto chiusa qui dentro, sono uscita senza dire niente nessuno, di nascosto per girare nell’oscurità. Ma poi sono sempre tornata e nessuno si era accorto che era uscita. Stare in questa parte della caserma è ambiguo. Da una parte non c’è nessuno che mi disturba e dall’altra non c’è nessuno che mi considera, sono due modi di affrontare la stessa situazione che discuto con quelle tre che compaiono spesso in questi momenti.
A volte arriva lei, quella vestita di rosso, è arrabbiata e furiosa come me e mi dice che ho ragione ad arrabbiarmi, mi dice che è vero che nessuno mi vuole e che mi lasciano qui perché faccio schifo. Poi arriva l’altra vestita di bianco che mi dice che forse hanno da fare, forse non avevano tempo di venire da me e non ho fatto niente di male. Hanno ragione entrambe. Ma quella con cui vado più d’accordo, quella che è sempre presente e non mi lascia mai, è quella vestita di nero. Io e lei siamo d’accordo sul fatto che non c’è speranza per me e che qualsiasi cosa io faccia è sempre sbagliata perché sono sbagliata io. Prima ero in manicomio poi in una prigione e adesso sono in una caserma del cazzo, non sono libera ma vorrei essere libera da me stessa.

Stamattina c’era solo lei, quella vestita di nero, ci vestiamo uguale e abbiamo cominciato a pensare a come uscire da questa situazione. Siamo d’accordo sul fatto che non c’è uscita verso l’alto ovvero che non si può mai migliorare ma che c’è sempre un’uscita verso il basso perché le cose possono sempre peggiorare e io lo so per esperienza.

hello

there is no one

Hello

Is there anyone in my mind

another bitter day

This week is hard

Monday - forgotten
Tuesday - hello in the morning
Yesterday - a mission
Today - forgotten

I know I just have to stay here in the box
I know he’s busy with his life to think about me, to talk to me
I know I cannot ask, cannot pretend, cannot go wrong, cannot want
I do not want but I’m sorry
I feel left apart, I know it’s normal coz I’m nothing
I’m nothing, disposable, my mistake is my failure
I’ve been living knowing I would have been thrown away as I get out of date
meanwhile I see that goblin already out of date, symbol of his prison, making mistakes everyday, being completely boring and - nothing - that’s it - the monster can go wrong and mistake everything everyday, be boring, be stupid, be unwanted in the end but the monster is in - forever, I’m disposable coz I’m useless, I still ask myself why the hell was I born? I’m wrong, rotten, outcast, misfit - wrong, lost, left, shut up and wait in the box, no time for you today, you’re the last thing, if there’s time otherwise you’re out
you don’t mean a thing

Nights are getting cold

Nights are getting cold

What’s your problem he asked me while we were getting back home

you should practice more he said

I know but my mind, thought…

what thoughts? What’s your problem 

nothing…..

nothing, there’s nothing - no way out

luckily those missions makes me feel good

does it make you feel like a soldier? ha asked

I wanted to reply “it makes me feel alive” but I just nodded

I’d like everything to disappear, everything that is against me - but us and us just us for a while

you do not make me feel like a soldier

you do make me feel alive

we roll - along the streets, under the stars - in the dark, our darkness

I want you

I hate myself

another shitty day
waiting for nothing
and i feel so absurd and wrong
I think and wait
and of course he has is life his everything and forgets me in my box in my corner in my loneliest loneliness
no blaming, its ok
I’m the misfit, outcast, alien mistake
i don’t mean a thing and i hate being so stupid
hate hate hate hate

Uselessness - mine

I can’t look sad

i can’t fail a thing
can’t say I’m hurt
can’t make waste time
I’m lost but must grin
n bear
my fear
i’m so useless
no mistake allowed
but I’m myself one
if i go wrong I’m out
can’t look weak
can’t say I’m weak
I’m nothing in this shitty place
its all wrong
but maybe I’m the only one wrong

I'm the worst

Actually I’m so wrong

I pretend to be the best in the planet

but I’m the worst

outcast

misfit

Failing is Falling and Falling is Failing your Feeling, 

filling yourself with fears

breakout wanting

breaking in instead

and I'm always here in the end

I want more, no i don't

I just want a piece of something

no, I don't deserve a thing

my way

I like this way

This road

This way we drive, we strive

to be together for a while

where nothing shine

we do

in the dark

we spark

in the night

our flight

I wanna hug you

I want you to hug me

everything we do is forbidden

but you know I’m wrong

but you know I’m strong

catch me, unleash me, hug me, enter me

Hate

 

How can it be I can only hate everyone

I cannot stand this place, this race, this rage, my lace

I just hate

you all

People sucks

I hate them all
They are so stupid and they are so fake
I hate them and I'm different
I wanna go away
They are so wrong but most of all they are stupid
I hate them believing they are happy coz I know they will feel worse then me
They all fail and se reality
Or maybe not
I'm the only failure on this planet

The problem

The problem of those missions
I miss him when I wait in my barrack
Damn, he said there would have been another great mission
He said that after he saw me disappointed and upset about those lies
I know I cannot miss a superior
What the hell do I want?
N: you look pathetic
H: I know I am
B: he was busy you know and he just lied to inspire you
H: I know it all
N: but you're still so ugly
H: I'm as horrible as always
N: maybe more

Sad Anger

 

Anger

 

damn again

so we were on mission 

it was all so good, he was telling me how many enemies he had defeated when he was a young soldier, I was amazed and he liked me to be amazed, he said he used many techniques to obtain his victory, I was so inspired and I was brave against our night enemies, all great

then we went back home, mission was over and he said: so you believed I did that! I just told you that to inspire you! It was not true I just followed the rules and looked at crazy soldiers fighting using alternative ways!

Actually I’m disappointed and upset, maybe he felt it and I felt he was in trouble but now

what should I believe?

he did that or he was a liar of he just regrets to have told me that and refrains?

maybe the second is a lie

A: anyway he’s a liar

B: focus on the mission

H: that’s the problem

N: he fucked up

H: totally, so bitter

N: bittersweet, your flavor 

H: damn

H: damn

 

 

Damn, I go scared

Damn, I go scared

H: Now I’m still scared, damn
B: ….it could have been worse
N: ….it could have been better
H: I’m scared, I was so scared, we were just having a mission. He’s just teaching me how to fight, but I’m dangerous, the police——I’ve been too bad and they don’t want me to handle weapons outside the base, damn, but it’s a war, I need to fight
N: you scared he won’t teach you - he cannot lose his job
B: he didn’t say anything about it, he said next time instead
A: who the hell called the police, motherfuchers
B: ….it could have been worse
N: ….it could have been better
H: I’m scared
N: I bet
A: fuck this place, that agent was scolding you, I tell you
H: I was so scared and so stupid
A: they thought you were stupid, sure
H: damn, even my sweetest thing can get a bitter side
B: you better go to bed, the guard will probably pass soon
A: fuck him too
N: bitter
B: bittersweet
A: bittershit
H: I’m worried

Thursday night, late

late night, too late

N: you see

B: shut you up, two missions in two days

N: yes but B: don’t be greedy

H: I always am about battles but in the end I can’t say anything bad about neither me nor him, never I will

N: I could…

B: shut u up

N:…..but not tonight

B: then it’s time to pack and go to your room, if they catch you out this late

A: well fight

H: let’s go, good night

Monday Night

Night agin and it’s worse
Blanca seems speechless
Aka still talks a lot along with Nygra
H: It’s almost a week, damn two weeks since the last call, he seems so far, I’m so scared
B: yesterday you talked a bit and he told you when he would be back
H: I can’t believe he didn’t have a second for me
A: he’s been mean lately
H: I can only accept things as they are
B: just try to be realistic, let’s see how this week rolls
N: I’m afraid all you’ll got is silence, another day of complete silence, he does not want you as a friend, shut up and wait in the box
H: tomorrow
B: come on, I’m sure he’ll call you tomorrow in the morning, he didn’t forget you, you know
H: I can only hope
N: Yes, you should be realistic, he’s been away
A: he’s been bad, he treated you like a shit, just like all the other ones
H: I’m so sad, I had to work and I’ve been only weeping
N: good luck for tomorrow
A: let’s go to bed, if they see you still up they will lock you down

Thoughts in War

you know it’s not fair
to track me to my lair

The war day
I could say
Is when the enemy stay
Under this roof
My sadness loop
changes my mood

 Nightmares
Awake
I take a breath
When I go beneath
The surface of acceptance
And I feel mad for instance

 It’s terrible to live with a monster in the place you thought to be safe
They say we should respect others but when others do not respect you
when others walk on you what should I say?
I may run away but after leaving monster traps behind me
when indifference surrounds me
hate comes over me

December

It's so hard to fight

To stay out of sight

To still walk in the rain

To avoid the feel of vain

I hold my weapon

It's like a treasure 

Strength is my bullet

Willfulness my amulet

As long as the war flows

I'll have to that field go

Welcome Back Fall

Back

And so I've been like on vacation from this and that bit here I feel like I'm always ready to fight. They'll send me home and I'll be working against monsters still, still trying to be as strong as steel....am I happy? I'm fine and I like to control things from my point of view that is behind my safety armor and my friendly spikes....you sure can come closer but I'll suggest not to come running, pay attention ....my dear monster out there! ;)

Falling into Fall

Monsters, those are the enemy we - I have to fight and I've been told they are still around the corner and I still can get attacked but ..as long as I keep my mind ready and my thoughts clean they will never win on me...time to train every day....my mind and my all, while I getting more and more sure that I'm a warrior...